The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Randomize
