what if every blade of grass was a penis?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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