When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
