Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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