At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
