I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
50% drunk capacity currently
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
