Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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