u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
