Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
