i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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