he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
