A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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