i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
