i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
