Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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