OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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