we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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