My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
