Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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