he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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