there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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