3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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