How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
