and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
