i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
