Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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