My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
