Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
