sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
