i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
