Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
