My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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