apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
