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mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
