think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
