It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
