I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
