i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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