Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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