1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
