I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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