420 ftw
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
