just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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