hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize