if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
