Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
