Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
