You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
