My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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