I need help removing her.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
