you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
