I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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