i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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