I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
