I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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