Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
