this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize