I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
