But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
