I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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