Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
