You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
