This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i love accidental penises.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
