3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
